It’s January 10th – five years to they day since
my cancer surgery, and, according to all the doctors and statistics, today is
the BIG day – the breast cancer survival gold medal day. Today is the day that I have been waiting
for, holding my breath, watching it creep ever closer, and suddenly it’s
here. Today is the day that I get to
say, “Up yours, Cancer! I win!”
I always wondered how I would feel when the big day
approached. I thought I would feel
triumphant – and I do. But I also feel
sad, grieving for things that have been lost along the way. I feel anxious, knowing that I have some
tests coming up that might prove that I haven’t won. A part of me feels indifferent. It’s just a day, a Thursday, a date on the
calendar that only has the meaning that I give it.
The other day I told my mother that if my purpose in life was
to struggle through some things so that other people can learn lessons, then I
am ok with that. It’s the reason I
coach, and the reason I blog. I have
learned a lot of things during my cancer experience that I want to share. Here’s the one I want to share today, January
10, 2013. The day that I win.
Cancer is not a gift.
I am not grateful that I had cancer.
It sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on
my worst enemy. But I am grateful that
through this experience I have been struck to my very core with the
understanding that someday, I will die.
I am not immortal. This truth
opened my eyes to life in a way that I would never have thought possible, and
it changed me. I live differently now.
Do I appreciate every moment to it’s fullest? No. I
am only human. But I don’t waste a lot of time worrying about the petty dramas
of life. I love my friends and my family
more. I forgive more easily. I let stuff go. I live life with my eyes open
to the truth that I will not always be around.
I am no longer afraid to die.
I used to be terrified of death, but now I fear living an empty and
meaningless life far more than I fear dying.
It will happen someday, hopefully a long time from now, hopefully
peacefully and painlessly, but until then I plan to keep living my ‘eyes wide
open’ life.
Today, in honor of my big day, I would like to ask you to go
through your day with your eyes wide open too.
Not to scare you, or to depress you, but hopefully to have you feel the
same joy I feel about being alive, without having to face something as scary as
cancer. There will come a day when none of us will be here, but until that day
comes, let’s try to live ‘eyes wide open’.
