Just Be

Lately, I have had a lot of people asking for advice on what to do for their friend or family member that is going through cancer.  The queries sound mostly like this:  “I want to help.  I want to send something.  I want to know the right thing to do, the right thing to say."

Here’s what I tell them.

I know how scary it is to watch your friend or our family member go through cancer, and I know how much you want to do the right thing, or say the right thing, and fix this.  Let go of this need.  There is no on right thing to do or say, and you can’t fix it.

My advice is pretty simple, just be and just do.

To me, the greatest gift you can give to cancer survivors, from diagnosis onward, is to just be with them, wherever they are.  Sometimes they need laughter and distraction. Sometimes they need someone to cry with them, or hold them while they do.  Sometimes they need someone to listen to them talk, or to sit with them in silence.  Sometimes they need all these things, seemingly at once.  To put your need to do or say the right thing aside, letting them know that whatever happens, you will be there, takes courage and strength. And it is a very precious gift that not everyone will be able to give.

If taking action is more comfortable for you, then my advice is to just do. It’s fairly simple.  If you were ill and didn’t have the energy to get through the day, what would you need? Organize friends and neighbors to cook for the family, send a gift certificate to a meal delivery service, pick up and do laundry, send a cleaning service over to the house.  Walk the dog or clean the kitty litter. Give them a ride to treatments and keep them company. Gifts of books, movies, and pajamas are always good for someone who is often homebound from treatment.  I had a friend who would call me up and say, “Get dressed, I am taking you to lunch.”  Even if you don’t send the perfect gift, or cook the perfect meal, the love and support shines through.

Two final points. 

This advice works for anyone going through any sort of illness or trauma, not just cancer. 

And on a personal level, even five years later, I still treasure those people who can just be with me, whenever the fear or sadness bubbles up.  They are one of the greatest gifts cancer has given me.