The Waiting is the Hardest Part

My parents have three rules that they have constantly reviewed with my nieces, since each was old enough to talk:

Rule #1 – Patience
Rule #2 – No whining
Rule #3 – Patience

Those can be difficult rules for a six year old to follow, and I confess, they are equally as difficult for me.  I have been known as the least patient person on the planet.  Seriously.  Ask my mom.  When I decide what I want -  I just want it now.  Veruca Salt has nothing on me!

Well guess what?  Cancer, cancer treatment and recovery all have their own agendas and their own timelines.   When I started chemo, the nurses told me the exact date that I would lose my hair.  I immediately calculated the date at which it would start to grow back.  I started chemo in July, and knew I would finish in December and in the beginning I would lay in bed and calculate how long my hair would be come January, come March, come May…I burned a lot of time waiting for my hair.

That was a long, hard wait for someone as impatient as I was to feel and look ‘normal’ again, and what I finally realized was, the wait (or as I came to call it – Hair Watch ’08) was teaching me a very important lesson about patience.   Waiting for my hair to come back gave me time to confront my beliefs about how I looked, about what was normal, about whether or not I could see my true beauty without the trappings.  I won’t say that it’s always easy – I am a woman after all – but that time of waiting and reflection helps me to look at my post cancer body, scarred, a little bit chubby and menopausal though it may be as something strong and beautiful.  I still struggle with patience, but I remind myself that things happen in their own time, and if I can release a bit of control, I can learn something amazing while I wait.

And yes, my hair is back in all its glory, long and thick and shiny.  And in January, on the fifth anniversary of my surgery, I plan to cut it off and donate it to someone who is laying in bed, waiting for her hair to grow back.